This is our story....The story of our journey as a family of four

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

because mama knows

we are a little behind the times here at the rapp household.  what can i say- sometimes when it comes to updating the blog....well, i fail.  but here is the latest.  Mr. Rapp, as in lil mr easton kent rapp, was practicing his standing last Monday and instead of doing his usual kerplop onto his lil hiney, he decided to get fancy and twist down.  I was actually kind of excited to see him do this, until I saw his little leg still in the same position that it was in when standing, and the rest of his body on the floor.  My heart sank, and he smiled...... my heart sank even more.  I knew that something wasn't right so immediately I go into complete panic and spaz mode screaming for Cody because I, of course, went off the deep end thinking his hip was out. 

I put a call into his pt to ask for advice on what to do, where to take him etc, and we both agreed that since we had an apt already with his ped to follow up with him the next day since #1 it wasn't his hip #2 she had me do things that assured us that it wasn't his knee, and there no swelling, and he clearly was not in pain (more on that later)  So Tuesday rolls around and he's not crawling normal, but he's still all over the place so we go to the peds and at first he says lets watch it, but then I pressed it just a little more and he was quick to write a script for some xrays.  (he's good like that, I think he knows that mama knows best.... most of the time) So off we went.  As Tuesday night went on I knew even more that something wasn't right, and it started to swell so by Wednesday morning I was kind of a lunatic waiting for the Dr's to call.... mean while, I kind of just said screw it and called Shriner's to see if they could take a peek at the xrays since they follow E's ortho care.  Sure enough just as I'm about to leave for Shriner's, the peds office calls and says that the xrays came back normal.  'well, good news' I thought for a hot second, then I was like who am I kidding, they must've missed something....... sure enough.

And I got the headnod.  But I was ready for it.  I knew.  I knew that he broke his leg. And then the tears started to fall, and everyone there was so sweet- but it wasn't enough.  It wasn't so much that he broke his leg- that happens, especially to rough and tumble boys (or so I'm told) but the fact that he looked at me as though nothing was wrong after it happened is what killed me.  it broke my heart.  We always had a feeling that he had very little feeling in his legs, if any at all.  I mean we beg for a heel poke when he needs a cbc, but a broken leg.  I guess that I had hoped that maybe when he was older, he would say "yea mama, I felt those shots, but I am so amazingly tough that they didn't bug me one bit".  And then came another knife in the side..... they wanted bloodwork to check his vitamin D levels...... "well, he has many strikes against him- he's not really weight bearing yet, he's breastfed, and no one metabolizes enough vitD, we live in what feels to be the arctic, so no vitD from sunshine, preterm babies are usually deficient..." and in my head I'm panicking..... no vitamin D from BM...... you see I pulled the plug on his multi vitamin because we were having a hard time with some other issues that at the time I felt were more important because they could have impacted his shunt.  I thought- I'm breast feeding, I'm taking my natals- he's getting everything he needs. 

I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up about it because I know that even if he had been on his vitamins all along, it still wouldn't have been enough for him, but I can't help it.  It sucks.  You think you have all of your bases covered and then something slips passed you.  I never even thought about Vitamin D- never, not once..... but all day, every day I think about things that could mess with his shunt, tethered cord, chiari...... I literally think of all of these things at least once a day- how could I not think of Vitamin D?

Needless to say after going to 2 labs to get his blood drawn because the first couldn't find a vein I was whooped...... Spina Bifida had whooped my ass for what felt like the first time.  Not gonna lie- I cried on the way home like I havn't cried in a long time- I was ready to give SB the one finger salute, and I know you know what I mean.  But then I looked back at this sweet little boy, who had just had as long of a day as I had ..... Who had this weird splint on his leg, had been poked and prodded and man handled and he just smiled.  And that's when I knew that SB hadn't kicked my ass.... it may have kicked me- but in the shin or something.

I know that it would be easy to say- he doesn't know any different, and that may be true- but he still doesn't have to like it.  It doesn't matter if he thinks this is the norm or not- he could still be miserable at all of his Dr's apts, he could still scream when strangers are man handling his leg.... he doesn't have to be the way that he is..... he doesn't have to know that this is not what all little boys do and still be such an amazing little person, he just doesn't.  he could be a grump just to be a grump- but he's anything but that, and this is why SB will never kick his ass.

mama knows what mama knows.... and this mama knows that nothing will stop this little boy.

one week.four days

Baby boy is one.  ONE year old.  Even though he is a year, a week and some change I still find my self saying to him.... you are one?!  I can't believe it's been 12 months with this lil bubber already.  There are days when we feel like this past year has taken it's sweet time, but then moments where it seems like it has gone so darn quick that I find myself grasping for every memory so I don't forget anything.  It's funny as I sit here and write this, because to be honest- I started this post on his actual birth day....February 17th.... and here we are on the 28th, but yet- I think there was a reason that I held off- and that reason being that he wanted to give me one more reason to look at him and be in absolute awe at just how strong he is (even for a one year old).  Because he did...... but more on that in the next post.  This post is dedicated strictly to the celebrating the last 365 days and all that they have brought us.  They have been beautiful.  That is all that I can say about the past year is that it has been wonderful to have this little man be in our world.

To be frank- this little man named Easton is my hero.  He has been called an old soul many times, and people have said that he looks like a little man, and I feel it in me- that at the ripe old age of one this little boy knows more about the world than I do at 28.  He amazes me, and I love every single thing about him.  I love the way that when he meets someone new- he looks deep in their eyes and studies them before he cracks a smile (he's a little easier on the ladies, well, because he's a ladies man) - I love his sweet little personality, and his new found fiestiness.  I love the fact that when Code and I are talking about his future, we know he'll be just fine.  I love how he can make us feel that way.   He is already reassuring us of his endless possibilities and he can not even speak..... but we can feel it.  I loooooovee the way he loves music, and leans his little forehead in to my cheek when I sing.  I love the pointing, I love the picture perfect temper tantrums that usually end with him peaking up to make sure I'm looking with a smirk.....well, I may not love them at the moment- but a few minutes later, I am sure to smile.  What can I say, this little boy has got me- and I am so glad.

On his actual birth day I think my favorite thing he did was he stayed up super late for some reason....... He was so tired but would not give in and it was a little after 9 and all of a sudden he got so silly- snuggling, giggling and rubbing my face- I mean he was being ridiculously cute and sweet- and although he didn't make it until the minute he was born- he came so close- and it was the sweetest count down to his to-the-minute-birthday I could have ever asked for.  So there we were rocking in the playroom when he was born a year ago- and all I could remember was that sweet little puppy like squeak he let out when they lifted him out.  That sweet boy.

first taste of cupcake on the 17th
kiss this face? absolutely.
miss caidence helping miss nora
nizz's creation
our creations
Happy 1st Birthday Easton
Sissy and Thurman waiting for the kiddos to arrive

there's a whole lotta pregnant mamas in this picture- yay for more babies!
e's boys
because he's cute- "Happy Birthday take 2"
with no afo's..... not really sure if it's legal, but he was doing it!
gigi and nae
 nora with her lil squeeze
and i mean really- how cute is this?
rosalie :)
a lil daddy love
and sweet Avery
the cuz's
whooped, but loving life

kiss this face?..... maybe not.  This right here is caidence's creation- not really my vision, but I let her do her
 thing.... sometimes it's better to just let them take over :)
 presents with the family <3
 peek a boo with the fam
and finally "Happy Birthday" take 3 with the family

and that right there was our 4 day Birthday extravaganza..... it was so nice to see everyone, and be with everyone on our sweet baby's first birthday.  Thank you all so much for celebrating with us- it means so much to us, we are so blessed and we love you all :)