This is it...this is the month, just one year ago, that our very own little rockstar entered our world. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the passed few weeks, thinking.... thinking of all of the wonderfulness that this passed year has blessed us with. I'm not going to lie that I have also been haunted by what he has been through. Now this post is not a "poor him" post, it's not a "poor us" post, because if you know anything about me at all, it is that nothing. NOTHING. in our lives is worthy of a "poor anybody". We have it good. But I think everything that has gone on in the last 12 months is all of a sudden rushing in to the fore front of my mind, and it's all a bit overwhelming. Good and bad..... I can't even say bad, trying is maybe the better word for it- because we have had trying times. Trying times that it would be so easy to slip into all of the negativity, all of his hardships- and just let that overtake every ounce of our being- but here at the Rapp household- that's just not how we roll.
It started a few weeks back when I was emailing another mama, who has been with her sweet little one in the NICU since August. That's right. August of 2010. I was trying so desperately to explain how different life was once you were out of that place.... and in your own home, with your baby. With no rounds... no Dr's referring to your baby as "baby Rapp", no tubes, no beeping monitors, no other babies that even though you don't really know their story, they are in the same room as your baby, and a part of your heart is at their bedside as well as your own kiddo's. No nurses poking and prodding your baby for a vein that just has nothing left to give. There is no tape covering your sweets face, no head wraps, no IV boards taking up every little inch of their arms or little feet. None of that is at home. It is you and your baby... your rocking chair, your walls surrounding you, your comfort, your safe haven. Your baby is home. As I was typing this email the tears started to fall. Tears that I guess I didn't know I had in there to fall. I hadn't thought about the nicu in what seems to be ages..... not like that.
Now I don't want to paint it this dim shade of gray on his nicu stay, because we had many, many bright spots. We had amazing nurses, and Dr's surrounding us. Amazing family and friends at home supporting us in every way imaginable...... but just looking back at just Easton, just picturing Easton Kent in his bed- it gets a little overwhelming. But then I think.... He is a warrior. That little boy, our little boy is extraordinary. and boy oh boy let me tell you how good it feels to be home. I know that we have been home for months now, but looking back makes these walls surrounding us seem that much sweeter- because after all it's not so much what the walls look like, it's the feeling that you feel when they are surrounding you. I will be first to admit that I sometimes lose sight of this..... but really what else could matter- our kiddos are home, they are happy, they are loved, they are healthy, and everyday they do something that makes my heart skip a beat because it was that amazing. every single day this happens to me. So no matter how "haunting" (and I say this loosely) those days may have been, they are gone, but we are here now and that is all that matters. This is all that matters. Our little boy is about to be one. And he is crawling. 4 point crawling. And trying to pull up. And working on standing. And doing things that babies do. And has the biggest brown googly eyes for his mama..... What else could matter? nothing. Happy Birthday month my love.
Many more posts to follow- we have many, many great days ahead of us in the next few weeks- and this mama has many, many crazy mama emotions a-flowing right now.