because mama knows

we are a little behind the times here at the rapp household.  what can i say- sometimes when it comes to updating the blog....well, i fail.  but here is the latest.  Mr. Rapp, as in lil mr easton kent rapp, was practicing his standing last Monday and instead of doing his usual kerplop onto his lil hiney, he decided to get fancy and twist down.  I was actually kind of excited to see him do this, until I saw his little leg still in the same position that it was in when standing, and the rest of his body on the floor.  My heart sank, and he smiled...... my heart sank even more.  I knew that something wasn't right so immediately I go into complete panic and spaz mode screaming for Cody because I, of course, went off the deep end thinking his hip was out. 

I put a call into his pt to ask for advice on what to do, where to take him etc, and we both agreed that since we had an apt already with his ped to follow up with him the next day since #1 it wasn't his hip #2 she had me do things that assured us that it wasn't his knee, and there no swelling, and he clearly was not in pain (more on that later)  So Tuesday rolls around and he's not crawling normal, but he's still all over the place so we go to the peds and at first he says lets watch it, but then I pressed it just a little more and he was quick to write a script for some xrays.  (he's good like that, I think he knows that mama knows best.... most of the time) So off we went.  As Tuesday night went on I knew even more that something wasn't right, and it started to swell so by Wednesday morning I was kind of a lunatic waiting for the Dr's to call.... mean while, I kind of just said screw it and called Shriner's to see if they could take a peek at the xrays since they follow E's ortho care.  Sure enough just as I'm about to leave for Shriner's, the peds office calls and says that the xrays came back normal.  'well, good news' I thought for a hot second, then I was like who am I kidding, they must've missed something....... sure enough.

And I got the headnod.  But I was ready for it.  I knew.  I knew that he broke his leg. And then the tears started to fall, and everyone there was so sweet- but it wasn't enough.  It wasn't so much that he broke his leg- that happens, especially to rough and tumble boys (or so I'm told) but the fact that he looked at me as though nothing was wrong after it happened is what killed me.  it broke my heart.  We always had a feeling that he had very little feeling in his legs, if any at all.  I mean we beg for a heel poke when he needs a cbc, but a broken leg.  I guess that I had hoped that maybe when he was older, he would say "yea mama, I felt those shots, but I am so amazingly tough that they didn't bug me one bit".  And then came another knife in the side..... they wanted bloodwork to check his vitamin D levels...... "well, he has many strikes against him- he's not really weight bearing yet, he's breastfed, and no one metabolizes enough vitD, we live in what feels to be the arctic, so no vitD from sunshine, preterm babies are usually deficient..." and in my head I'm panicking..... no vitamin D from BM...... you see I pulled the plug on his multi vitamin because we were having a hard time with some other issues that at the time I felt were more important because they could have impacted his shunt.  I thought- I'm breast feeding, I'm taking my natals- he's getting everything he needs. 

I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up about it because I know that even if he had been on his vitamins all along, it still wouldn't have been enough for him, but I can't help it.  It sucks.  You think you have all of your bases covered and then something slips passed you.  I never even thought about Vitamin D- never, not once..... but all day, every day I think about things that could mess with his shunt, tethered cord, chiari...... I literally think of all of these things at least once a day- how could I not think of Vitamin D?

Needless to say after going to 2 labs to get his blood drawn because the first couldn't find a vein I was whooped...... Spina Bifida had whooped my ass for what felt like the first time.  Not gonna lie- I cried on the way home like I havn't cried in a long time- I was ready to give SB the one finger salute, and I know you know what I mean.  But then I looked back at this sweet little boy, who had just had as long of a day as I had ..... Who had this weird splint on his leg, had been poked and prodded and man handled and he just smiled.  And that's when I knew that SB hadn't kicked my ass.... it may have kicked me- but in the shin or something.

I know that it would be easy to say- he doesn't know any different, and that may be true- but he still doesn't have to like it.  It doesn't matter if he thinks this is the norm or not- he could still be miserable at all of his Dr's apts, he could still scream when strangers are man handling his leg.... he doesn't have to be the way that he is..... he doesn't have to know that this is not what all little boys do and still be such an amazing little person, he just doesn't.  he could be a grump just to be a grump- but he's anything but that, and this is why SB will never kick his ass.

mama knows what mama knows.... and this mama knows that nothing will stop this little boy.